Get Unhooked: The Case for Choosing Your Way to Confidence

Ever get stuck in your own head like it's a bad podcast you can’t turn off? You know the one—it features special guest appearances from doubt, fear, imposter syndrome, and that voice that sounds suspiciously like your 10th grade gym teacher who said you “lacked hustle.”

If so, congratulations. You’re a human being with a fully functioning brain. And that brain is trying to protect you—even if it means running old scripts that sound more like sabotage than safety.

But here’s where things get interesting. According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the goal isn’t to shut down those thoughts. The goal is to unhook from them, so they don’t run the show.

The Hook: When Thoughts Become Dictators

In ACT, “cognitive fusion” is the term for when we’re so tangled in a thought that we treat it as fact.

"I’ll never get this right."

"I’m not smart enough."

"They’re going to figure out I don’t belong here."

These aren’t just thoughts—they’re hooks. And when we’re hooked, we don’t act with choice. We react with fear, avoidance, or perfectionism (which is just fear with better branding).

As psychologist Steven C. Hayes, one of ACT’s founders, puts it:

“When a thought dominates your behavior, it has moved from being a thought to being a rule.”

That’s where psychological flexibility comes in.

Psychological Flexibility: The Mental Gymnastics Worth Training For

Psychological flexibility is the ability to notice your thoughts and feelings, and still choose to move in the direction that matters most to you. It's the ACT equivalent of "I see you, Thought. I'm not fighting you. But I’m still going to do what I care about."

It’s not about being fearless. It’s about being values-driven.

Research has consistently linked psychological flexibility with lower anxiety, better performance, and greater well-being (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010). Not because life gets easier—but because you get better at responding to it.

Values: The Compass, Not the Map

ACT doesn’t hand you a to-do list. It hands you a compass: your values. These are the directions you care about moving in—not goals you can check off, but qualities of being you want to embody.

Want to be courageous? That doesn’t mean you feel brave. It means you take brave actions, even if your knees are shaking. Want to be authentic? That doesn’t require confidence. It just asks for honesty—especially when it’s uncomfortable.

When we act from values, we build something radical: earned confidence. Not the “I nailed it, therefore I am worthy” kind. But the “I showed up anyway” kind.

Confidence, then, becomes the side effect of choice.

Choice: The Quiet Power Move

Here’s the secret sauce: each time you choose a value-aligned action, even in the presence of doubt or fear, you’re training your brain to trust you.

You’re saying: “I’m not here to feel safe. I’m here to be who I want to be.”

And that, my friends, is how you unhook. Not by waiting for the thoughts to stop—but by moving forward with them in your passenger seat, not your driver's seat.

So next time that unhelpful internal podcast starts up, try this:

Name the thought (e.g., "Ah, the 'You're-not-good-enough' episode again").

Notice the urge it brings ("I want to avoid this meeting").

Connect with your values ("I want to lead with integrity").

Choose one small, value-driven step ("I’ll speak up once, even if my voice shakes").

As Carol Tavris might say, “We justify most of our actions not to others, but to ourselves.” ACT helps make sure those justifications actually serve the life we want—not the one fear is trying to protect.

References:

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change.

Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.

Embracing a moment of harmony, a person gracefully stretches, blending physical agility with mental focus.

Dr. Meagan Yarmey, PhD, MSW, MA, RSW is a Social-Personality Psychologist and Registered Social Worker with over 20 years of experience helping high-achieving professionals build psychological flexibility, self-confidence, and meaningful lives. Her approach combines evidence-based therapy, career psychology, and values-based coaching to support people in becoming the best version of themselves—without burning out in the process.